There always comes a point in time when you are comparing something with something else. It’s the way the human brain works. I think. I am maybe going to start calling my ‘comparisons’ what they really are: light judgement.
Let me back up a minute…one does not just become 200+ pounds overweight overnight. I actually don’t think that is possible. However, I don’t remember being a ‘normal’ weight. There are pictures of me as a normal child. Not overweight. Not miserable with a shallow kind of look in her eye because she’s afraid a fat roll will show here or her double chin will show there.
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| Just hanging out with my Uncle Bill & Aunt Cindy! |
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| Apparently 'grass' skirts and mullets were awesome back in my day... |
The problem is, I don’t REMEMBER these times. All I can ever remember is being this odd, lumpy shaped type of person that’s not comfortable in their own skin. Since I was 10. I have a problem an addiction with food. I can eat well (healthy / clean). I’m fine with that. But that’s not my problem. My problem is that I NEVER feel full. You see, there’s this great scientific study that I’m sure you’ve heard of: Pavlov’s Dog. If you haven’t heard of it, here’s the basics: ring the bell while the dog is eating and the dog will soon associate food with the ringing of a bell, right? Well, in my case, it was tell the child to clean 2 plate of food or take her out to restaurants where meals are vastly disproportioned and the child will soon not feel full at a normal portion sized meal. Please know that I’m not trying to “blame” my upbringing. I’ve been an “adult” for a little over ½ of the 2 decades that I’ve been overweight. In that time I’ve done any of the following either individually or in conjunction with each other:
· I’ve exercised
· I’ve eaten right
· I’ve made myself puke
· I’ve starved myself
· I’ve taken diet pills
· I’ve tried Slim Fast and Weight Watchers and every other diet plan written
They’ve worked or they haven’t off and on, but if you’re psychologically starving yourself, you’re not committed and it isn’t the lifestyle change that it needs to be.
So, back to the light judgment thing and how I’ve allowed pounds to continue to creep on… I would always tell myself (and sadly, sometimes still do…), “Well, if I’m not as big/poorly dressed/round/heavy/any other number of negative adjectives as him/her/whoever, then I’m ok.” First, I wish I actually knew them all so that I could call them and apologize. Second, I’ve reached my stopping point. I’m no longer “ok” and unless I can compare myself to Jesus, I have no comparisons to make. Lastly, I want to apologize to EVERYONE for any wool that I’ve pulled over your eyes that I may have always been a good person. It’s a lie, and I struggle every day with one demon or another.
This one heavy demon of weight is about to get a WHOLE lot lighter though! I have my surgery date for my gastric bypass. Duh, duh-DUUH!!! JUNE 26!!! Please know that I am NOT viewing this surgery as a light undertaking. This is and always will be a lifestyle change for me, my family and even a few close friends.
What’s the next step, you ask? Well, here’s all of my appointments leading up to my surgery that I have scheduled for now:
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| Don't ask to see the rest of my calendar... |
Praying that this finds you all well and that you can maybe find it to forgive me for my light judgments one day.
Love,
Chan
