Comparisons...

There always comes a point in time when you are comparing something with something else.  It’s the way the human brain works.  I think.  I am maybe going to start calling my ‘comparisons’ what they really are:  light judgement. 

Let me back up a minute…one does not just become 200+ pounds overweight overnight.  I actually don’t think that is possible.  However, I don’t remember being a ‘normal’ weight.  There are pictures of me as a normal child.  Not overweight.  Not miserable with a shallow kind of look in her eye because she’s afraid a fat roll will show here or her double chin will show there.

Just hanging out with my Uncle Bill & Aunt Cindy!

Apparently 'grass' skirts and mullets were awesome back in my day...

The problem is, I don’t REMEMBER these times.  All I can ever remember is being this odd, lumpy shaped type of person that’s not comfortable in their own skin.  Since I was 10.  I have a problem an addiction with food.  I can eat well (healthy / clean).  I’m fine with that.  But that’s not my problem.  My problem is that I NEVER feel full.  You see, there’s this great scientific study that I’m sure you’ve heard of:  Pavlov’s Dog.  If you haven’t heard of it, here’s the basics:  ring the bell while the dog is eating and the dog will soon associate food with the ringing of a bell, right?  Well, in my case, it was tell the child to clean 2 plate of food or take her out to restaurants where meals are vastly disproportioned and the child will soon not feel full at a normal portion sized meal.  Please know that I’m not trying to “blame” my upbringing.  I’ve been an “adult” for a little over ½ of the 2 decades that I’ve been overweight.  In that time I’ve done any of the following either individually or in conjunction with each other:

·        I’ve exercised

·        I’ve eaten right

·        I’ve made myself puke

·        I’ve starved myself

·        I’ve taken diet pills

·        I’ve tried Slim Fast and Weight Watchers and every other diet plan written

They’ve worked or they haven’t off and on, but if you’re psychologically starving yourself, you’re not committed and it isn’t the lifestyle change that it needs to be.

So, back to the light judgment thing and how I’ve allowed pounds to continue to creep on…  I would always tell myself (and sadly, sometimes still do…), “Well, if I’m not as big/poorly dressed/round/heavy/any other number of negative adjectives as him/her/whoever, then I’m ok.”  First, I wish I actually knew them all so that I could call them and apologize.  Second, I’ve reached my stopping point.  I’m no longer “ok” and unless I can compare myself to Jesus, I have no comparisons to make.  Lastly, I want to apologize to EVERYONE for any wool that I’ve pulled over your eyes that I may have always been a good person.  It’s a lie, and I struggle every day with one demon or another.

This one heavy demon of weight is about to get a WHOLE lot lighter though!  I have my surgery date for my gastric bypass.  Duh, duh-DUUH!!!  JUNE 26!!!  Please know that I am NOT viewing this surgery as a light undertaking.  This is and always will be a lifestyle change for me, my family and even a few close friends.

What’s the next step, you ask?  Well, here’s all of my appointments leading up to my surgery that I have scheduled for now:

Don't ask to see the rest of my calendar...

Praying that this finds you all well and that you can maybe find it to forgive me for my light judgments one day.

Love,

Chan

The Honest to Goodness...

Life.  We sure have a way of letting that 4 letter word become overwhelming.  At least, I know I do.  What with one thing and another, I find myself 33 days past my return home from Nicaragua with a very pencil filled, erased and re-written schedule between now and then to show for it.  Amongst the day to day of home, kids and work, hubs and I stayed involved with church activities, celebrated an anniversary, a Risen King, and a birthday all within the 4 week stretch upon the touch down and re-entrance to American soil. 

While I’ve shared at church and amongst a few friends how “my” trip was, I have had this odd feeling of not wanting to “put it out there”.  Sure, we’ve been busy, but I certainly could have made time to sit down for 5 – 10 minutes a day to type out my journal entries and share with “the world”, right?  Looking back, I’m not so sure.  In speaking with other friends who have gone on missions trips, they seem to share my needed time for processing.  I can easily give you a daily recount of what happened, but the true story is my thoughts and feelings behind those activities, and I’m still not sure if I’m ready to share those.  In the meantime, please view the trip’s blog to catch up on said daily activities!  I’m hard at work editing my 900 some odd photos to make up the photo book and will begin to distribute those that were sold, and sell some for next year’s funds as well, by June.  To tide you over, here are a few of my favorites from one of the clinic days:

Si, es claro!

Our interpreter, Salvador, with a handsome little patient!

A little dear that I was priviledged to spend some time with!

Other than busy-ness, home life is well.  We are fighting tooth and nail with EJ to get this whole potty training thing down.  Evie is entering her terrible twos with a flourish.  Don had his other cancer spot removed over 2 weeks ago and goes to get the 2 pre-cancer spots taken care of before the end of this month.  As for me, well…insurance has approved my gastric bypass!  I’m sure that there are a host of opinions on this subject and weight loss in general, but this is my choice and all I ask for is love, support, less requests to go out to eat and more requests to split a salad or go for a walk.  J  My first pre-surgery procedure is on the 26^th of this month and prayers would be appreciated.  I’m still waiting to hear from the doctor’s office about the ‘big’ (pun TOTALLY intended) surgery date, but they were thinking early-mid June.  In the meantime of that, I’m working with an awesome health coach who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, a fitness trainer who is helping me to get in the habit of exercise and am also really trying to focus on portion size and calorie control.  I’ve been overweight for going on 2 decades and really want to be a fun, active wife, mom and being.  That can’t happen at my size & weight.  Goal shape:

It's NOT round...get it?!

So…that’s what’s going on with me.  If you have any advice, encouragement or even questions about my process, I’d love to have a chat with you!

Praying this finds you all well and loving life!

Love,

Chan

6 Days (Really 5.5) To Go

So, we had our last team meeting today after church where we were prayed for by our pastors and agreed upon with the entire congregation.  It’s been kind of an amazing day to clear out the crazy week that I’ve had.

Some updates:  Evie is completely healed from her ear infection last weekend.  Praise the Lord!  EJ has been testing us a little more than usual since his sister was sick and we’ve had to be a little harsher with our discipline, but he has responded so well.  Don received the results from the other 3 pieces of skin biopsied and 1 came back cancerous just like the spot on his leg and the other 2 are pre-cancerous.  He has an appointment set for March 25 to have the cancerous sport removed and the other 2 pre-cancerous spots frozen so as to kill the cells before they can cause harm.

As for me, I have been trying to physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepare for my upcoming trip.  I guess I’ll only know how successful my preparations have been once I’m down there.  We began a team blog that we will be updating (hopefully) once a day while in Nicaragua.  In the meantime, I’ll be utilizing that forum to introduce our team as we count down the days until departure.

Praying that this finds you well and ready for the upcoming week!

Love,

Chan

So, I heard it's Lent...

Looking back to a year ago at the beginning of this precious and reflective time, I find myself a completely different person and in a completely different place in my life although many things have stayed the same (actually, gotten better).  In no particular order…I’m in a position at work that I love, my marriage is fun, our kids are crazy and interactive and I’m ecstatic about the way my faith is going!  I mean, I leave for a 3^rd world country for my very first missions’ trip in 13 days.  WHOA.  

That reminds me that I need to still get another vaccine and a $90 prescription filled.  Oh, and clothes.  Goodwill, here I come!

It’s so funny how satan thinks that he can stop someone with this kind of momentum and great things going on.  They always say that bad things happen in 3’s.  Well, I think that is a stupid saying.  It’s asking for more bad stuff to happen if you haven’t gotten to 3, 6, 9, 12, etc. yet.  Here’s my list of ‘bad’ things that have gone on since I’ve been re-baptized (Jan 1, 2013).  As of Thursday (Valentine’s) I have lost a total of 3 family members, my abdominal pain has increased to level 4 constant, 7/8 spikes, Don’s leg (which is now infected AGAIN), and now Evie is under the weather fighting a fever and puking mucus. 

How have I dealt with all of this in the past 48 days?  Well…on an emotional roller coaster, honestly.  I have been upset and down and frustrated and crabby, but at the end of the day I know that Jesus is my savior and God has me (and the whole wide world) in His hands.  It is so sad to lose those that we love, but 1 Corinthians 15:55 challenges death… “Where O death is your victory?  Where is your sting?!”  How amazing is my welcome stadium in heaven going to be with all of those that go before me? 

Rest in peace, Uncle George.  I love you.  Give Aunt Mary a kiss for me and send some extra angels to guard Evie through this current sickness.



Of everything else on my naughty list, I think the same way.  What’s the point of pain?  I mean, really?  I live with it by choice so that I can be coherent and present in life.  If I am in pain, I am ALIVE.  And if I place my pain at the foot of the cross, I am comforted fully.

Speaking of the foot of the cross…Lent started 5 days ago.  Our church has challenged everyone to give up sodas, coffees, wines, beers, whatever you’d spend money on and drink water instead and send the money to Africa to build clean drinking water wells.  $35 provides clean drinking water for 1 person for 1 year.  What could you give up to make that possible for someone?  Check out Blood Water Mission and get involved if you feel so led!

On top of that, I’m giving up my vanity for Lent.  Some people say that my idea is a little silly, but I opt for contacts on days when I want to look better and wear makeup.  That takes about 5 – 10 minutes a day depending on how in depth I want to go on eye shadow or red lipstick.  I’ll be working on spending that time with my Lord or my family.  There was also this great blog that a friend shared about a woman who is “skirting up” for Lent to try and take femininity back to its roots for her logic.  It really made me think about my addition to this world’s sex culture.  So, this is my way of taking a stand for that.  No makeup, no contacts, no paying attention to my hair other than basic necessity, no Pinterest or catalog perusing. 

I’ll have more information about my not making it fair for skinny people once I’m home from Nica!

Praying this finds you and your family well and ready for the week ahead.

Love,

Chan

The Day Before… & Yesterday.

Without making this post completely about death, I want to give a brief explanation of what I blogged about yesterday… 

One of my husband’s coworkers found the body of a man who committed suicide in his car in front of their church Sunday morning. 

Please join me in praying for the family, the church and all of its members and the community.

Hubs told me about it yesterday and I was already agitated about some things and that news just sent me over the edge.  I guess you all know now my version of anger management.  I was really so upset because I am an over-empathizer.  Some people love me just because of this fact.  Sometimes I hate it.  Not that I wish to be anything other than what God made me, but when I hear a story that involves heartache to any degree, my sympathy goes into hyper-drive.  Like… I’ve sent sympathy cards to people on America’s Extreme Home Makeover.  This is something that has always been really hard on me.  I often struggle with boundaries for myself and my family, how much and what to share with people, and who to trust and what to trust them with.  My brain is always on analyze mode.  I think about what has happened, what is happening and what could happen all the time…over & over again.  While having a conversation, I’m trying to pay attention while working out each discussed scenario and laughing or being upset about how the conversation COULD go.  On top of all of this, I happen to be an extrovert.  Yep, I’m an energy vampire.  I thrive on people and social occasions.  I’m stuck in my own perpetual catch 22.

--------------------------------BREAK----------------------------------------

So, remember that positive Nicaragua update I had for you guys?!  Well, I had a little bird tell me that I have had MORE turned in even after my last cry for help to bridge the gap last week!  I’m not sure yet what happens with that extra, but I am so looking forward to what God has in store!  To everyone who prayed… who gave…. who asked questions… showed support:  THANK YOU!  You all are SO amazing and I am so blessed to have you all in my life! 

Also, if you don’t already have plans next weekend, come on out to Hub City Vineyard for a prime rib Valentines Dinner WITH childcare provided on site!  Proceeds will go to the Nicaragua team!  Check out the Facebook event for details!

In work news, my company launched a new website this week and asked for blog submittals in preparation.  How surprised and honored was I to see that one of mine was picked to publish?!  Feel free to check out my very first work blog post and check out our new website while you're there!

I’m determined to finish this week well and I hope you do so too.  I’ve kind of been stressing about what I’ll write about when I’m all out of Nicaragua news.  Maybe next week you’ll see something new! 

Have an amazing week and give someone an extra hug or high five to let them know you care.

Love,

Chan

I'm going to kill myself...

How many parents, friends, pastors, family members of those who have committed suicide begged that they had heard that phrase from their lost loved one? 

Over 80 people today decided to commit suicide and their ‘attempt’ was a “success”. 

I am FURIOUS about this.  How dare anyone decide that they are greater than God and that their life is no longer meaningful?  When there are parents and wives and loved ones dreading to not receive a Skype call from overseas?  When tragic accidents LEACH life and spread mourning?!  HOW!?

Another mind boggling question:  How on earth can there be over 3,000 abortions performed here in the United States of America every single day when there are willing, loving, AMAZING people who LONG to hold a baby in their arms?!  HOW!??!

I feel utterly helpless & futile sometimes in this world...  In my personal opinion, EVERY single person on this earth has a purpose.  Whether they were here for a mere & precious 2 hours so that their parents could example faithfulness through sorrow or that they lived to be 106 and mentor and speak LIFE into countless families by teaching them to play a simple game called football.

I guess that’s why I can’t really focus on THIS WORLD…crazy talk, right?  WRONG.  Philippians 4:13 says that I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me.  Matthew 7:7 states to ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened.  Well Lord, this is me…loud, crazy, Chandra; your humble princess…just ASKING…SHOUTING…BEGGING, God…Please use me.  Use my words and my actions and my love for others to change their mind.  To seek you.  That’s really all I want, Lord.  Please.  In Jesus’ Name.

Pleading that this finds you all well and thankful for life, love and family…

Love,

Chan

PS – I have a positive Nicaragua update to share with you guys…this just isn’t the place for it tonight.  XOXO.

Updates & an Invite...

Whoops!  I let 2 weeks go by without updating this majigger-bob!

I know you’re dying to know…I have OVER ½ of my Nicaragua monies turned in with 10 days to go!  If you wouldn’t mind, please lift the team and the trip up in prayer and if you feel so led, consider giving.  Every bit helps!  If you can give a check, please make it payable to ‘Hub City Vineyard’ with “Nica 2013 – Chandra Dickson” in the memo.  You can either send to me (see Facebook event for address and share with friends) or directly to Hub City Vineyard.  You can also give online if you so choose.

I have some extra tees!  Let me know ASAP if you want one!

In other news, Don had his skin cancer COMPLETELY removed last Friday!  He’ll be going in on the 13^th for a full body scan to make sure there aren’t any other spots.  While I pray daily about the niggling doubt that chills my heart, I just know that he is going to be fine and here to stay for quite some time.

I had a normal doctor’s appointment on Monday and just need to get my typhoid vaccine and medicine to ensure that I won’t contract malaria or a bad stomach bug while on my trip and then I’m set in that department.  A huge shout out to a new friend – Amanda – for watching the littles at the last minute for me!

Little Ms. Evie had her belated 18 month well-baby checkup and is off the charts for weight (as she has been for quite some time) and in the 98^th percentile for height.  No big surprise there.  I had a terrible ordeal at the doctor’s as I had both kids with me and they took 45 minutes each getting us from the waiting room to the exam room and then getting a doctor in to see us.  Anyone have any suggestions for pediatricians in the Hagerstown / Frederick area?

As for EJ, well, he’s been ok.  Poor guy has had a terrible cough and a come and go fever but is his normal, cheery, and hilarious self. 

I’m SO excited right now because our church is hosting a women’s ‘Pajama Jam’ Friday night into Saturday.  Like an adult, all female fellowship lock-in!  How amazingly cool is that?!  Speaking of church, we just went to 2 services on Sundays…9:15 am & 11 am.  I wouldn’t be able to say it better than this, “Maybe you’ve been away from church…come check us out.  Maybe you’ve never been to church…come check us out.  Maybe you’ve been hurt, been abused, just have an overall bad feeling about churches…come check us out.  Bottom line, I want to share my Sundays with you.” – Matt Walker

Also, from Mr. Walker…he took this photo this past Sunday morning.  You can’t say that we don’t invite the Holy Spirit to come.  Completely unaltered…and he’s a cameraman.

As always, I hope this finds you well with lots of love surrounding you.

Love,

Chan